There seems to be never enough in my life. No matter where I was, there were three things always following me like a deep dark shadow of death… me, myself, and I as cliche as that sounds.

~Deb Morgan

Unable to get away from myself no matter where I went. Before I took medication or even knew I had Bipolar Disorder, I felt like a wooden puppet with one string attached. My life would continue to spin out of control until the last string would be cut. I felt as though I was falling from the top of a cliff, knowing I should look down but not wanting to see. It was my life at the end of the fall, and the rocks would surely be the death of me.

To survive, I had to close my eyes and see myself from a distance as if watching a movie in the final minutes. We go on, and for whatever reason. I go back and constantly rehearse the adage God never gives you more than you can handle. I think that’s a way to keep myself together. Will the morning come, and the disease has made a quiet exit? It doesn’t work that way, to my chagrin. Like so many others with Bipolar disorder, I was smart, creative, and brave; it came in the attack that comes from mania.

In some cases, this could be helpful; in others damaging. The positive qualities of many bipolar people, such as myself, resulted in using their talent and brains to become street-smart. Being great at organizing and doing fifty things at one time. The result of that led to a future of addiction, terrible loneliness, and grief.

I never shared this with anyone because of the stigma of being viewed as crazy.

                                  

Mania and depression are the two arms of this disease.

Mania is not always a positive high feeling that causes out-of-control behavior, but it can be called dysphoric mania, and there is suffering for others until that mania turns into depression or cycles into a good mania. My book will explain this, but it is a nightmare, especially for a child. No one who is bipolar wants to stop the high mania; that high is like a trip to the moon and back.

However, I did hit the earth in a puddle of depression. The only way I can explain it is life smashes you and leaves you lying there, wanting to die. And some of us try to do just that. It’s a dangerous time to be in a black depression; anything dangerous is possible. If someone is a rapid cycler, this consistent pattern can go on for days at a time.

Some of the most famous and historical figures diagnosed with Bipolar disorder might surprise you, such as Vincent van Gogh, who committed suicide at 37; Michelangelo, Charles Dickens, Vivienne Leigh, Beethoven, and Winston Churchill, to name a few. Many others not listed here were plagued with anything from clinical depression to schizophrenia.

Mental illnesses and disorders don’t always present themselves like you think they would; however, some may be with other mental illness disorders, but they can be managed. No one who is on medication should stop taking it. Tell your psychiatrist you are concerned if you do not feel it is working correctly or effects are causing problems. If you have a problem recognizing a change in personality, tell a family member or friend closest to you.

I was grateful that I told my spouse what behaviors to watch for; it has been helpful a few times. After getting help and medication, I am on what I refer to as a cocktail of Bipolar medications. Because of what drugs have done for me, I am afraid to quit taking them. I feel more mentally fit than I ever have, and it has been a miracle, given my past.

It seems The stigma of people with Mental Illness is still alive and well. Ignoring it and fighting for the people who need help is the message I spend my life trying to get out. The recent shootings just in the last few years have caused many people to want to blame all the catastrophes of mental illness.

Murderers do not look mentally ill, but what does it look like?

On the other hand, many of the mentally ill do not try to kill others, but they try to hurt or kill themselves.

This topic needs to be discussed all the time, each day, and every day, until people see it for what it is: mental illness. Then and only then will we be able to get people the help they need from these debilitating illnesses and continue to share places to get help…